Adoption Resources

A really long time ago (so long ago that I can’t remember when), my friend Ellen, asked me to write a post that included some of the adoption resources that we found helpful. I thought, “That is a brilliant idea!” Then I started the post and have ignored it very thoroughly ever since! I am finally going to correct that.

Our adoption journey started years before that fateful day when I saw our children’s pictures for the first time. I knew about four years ahead of time that we were going to adopt, and I didn’t enter into thinking about it lightly. One of the first things I did was begin to read! I read and read and read. There is SO much out there to read that it is all a bit overwhelming, yet I have found that so much of it was very helpful now that we have reached this side of the journey.

This is a collection of some of the things that I have picked up along the way and have found helpful in one way or another. There are plenty of things that I have read that were good and just not memorable or that I didn’t like; I won’t mention those here. Finally I decided to link each book to it’s Amazon.com page just so you can get a visual and read reviews easily. (This is not an endorsement of Amazon.)

This first category of books deals with race and racial issues. For many reasons, we felt fairly sure early on that our adoption would be a foreign adoption or an interracial domestic adoption. This was by far the thing that I felt like I knew the least about, so this is what I started reading first.

Dim Sum, Bagles, and Grits: A Sourcebook for Multicultural Families by Myra Alperson- This was one of the first books that I picked up (stumbled upon it at the local library); it was a good place to start with a broad variety of things to look into. It is truly a sourcebook that will lead you to other books and sources of information.

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World, by Marguerite A. Wright - I enjoyed this book, and I felt like it gave a much more optimistic sense of what our life might be like once our new children were home. I also really appreciated the discussion of age-appropriate racial development.

Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall - While I can’t say that I enjoyed this read, it did give me a lot to think about.

Here are a few books that I have heard are good and would still like to read:

Black Baby, White Hands: A View from the Crib by Jaiya John

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda

In Black and White: The Story of an Open Transracial Adoption by Nathalie Seymour

Here are a few books that pertain to adoption in general.

Adoption Parenting, Edited by Jean MacLeod and Sheena Macrai, PhD - I actually read bunches and bunches of books about adoption. I could have skipped most of them and just read this one. It covers all of the most obvious adoption issues and many of the minor ones. I have used this book several times since we have been home - to look up information about language development and attachment. Because this book is a compilation of information from many sources and stories from real, live adoptive parents, it is just packed full of good reading.

Toddler Adoption, The Weaver’s Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best - I didn’t read this until after we had committed to our children, and I must say that I was significantly terrified while and after reading it. The book presents toddler adoption as a difficult job, and the author discusses just about everything that can go wrong in toddler adoption. YET I have to say that this book did prepare me for the job ahead (which has indeed been difficult at times)…and after reading all of the things that could go wrong, I have been delighted that so many things have gone right! “Prepare for the worst, hope for the best,” as it turns out, is a good adoption motto to have.

With Eyes Wide Open - A Workbook For Parents Adopting International Children by Margi Miller and Nancy Ward - I didn’t actually do the book; Handsome did. He says it’s a fairly simple book, written to prompt discussion of all the ins and outs of international adoption.

Here are a few miscellaneous books that I have read that were helpful.

Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay - I actually have not read Parenting with Love and Logic, but I was trained in Love and Logic when I was a teacher. I have used many, many of those tactics as we have adapted to being a family of six. I am really thankful for that training, even if they did make me stay after school for days and days!

Don’t Waste Your Life by John Piper - I’m actually reading this now, but I have heard so many adoptive parents say that this is a fantastic motivator for adoption that I thought it would be good to include it here.

There Is No Me Without You by Melissa Faye Greene - I have recommended this book on my blog before, and I don’t mind saying it again. This is a great book. This book explains so well the political, social, religious, and economics reasons that many children end up needing to be adopted. This book is written about Ethiopia, yet I would recommend it to anyone who was curious about why adoption is a good thing to do. I would also recommend it to any parent who wants to adopt from Ethiopia, as it gives a readable history of the country. Wherever you choose to go for your adoption, I would highly encourage you to read all you can about that country.

Besides books, I must mention that I spent a lot (probably way too much) of time online. There is just so much information out there! Most of it is helpful; a few sites were not. Just be aware that people can publish whatever they want on the internet; check your sources. Some of the sites that I found helpful were:

Adoption blogs.com - This site has blogs about all sorts of adoptions and adoption issues. I found blogs to be really helpful in that I could watch the actual process - the ups and downs.

While I’m talking about blogs, I’ll also tell you that for a long time I kept up with about a dozen families who were adopting just ahead of us. That was hugely helpful; I knew what was coming our way in the realm of paperwork on this side of the puddle and the trends in the Ethiopian court system. Simply do a search for your country’s name and the words “adoption blog.” You’ll probably come up with tons of sites!

My Adoption Links - a great site for general country information. I did a lot of research here when we were deciding what country to go with.

Yahoo groups - There’s a group for everything under the sun I think! For a long time I was part of several different groups that were hugely helpful in the finding-our-way part of the process!

Adoption Learning Partners - We actually took some of our required (required by our agencies) hours here; the classes were good, easy to complete, and easy to navigate.

Finally, once I knew that we would be adopting an African girl, I picked up Kinki Kreations and It’s All Good Hair and joined the Adoptive Hair and Skin Care group that focuses on families who have adopted from Africa and Haiti. All of these sources have been really helpful! While you may not be considering a child who will come with different hair than your own, do make a point to think about the things that will be different in his or her life (medical issues, speech and language development, malnutrition and other growth issues, learning disabilities, etc.); anything you can research ahead of time will make life easier once you get your precious bundle of joy home!

Finally, I’d like to say that our local social worker has been an amazing resource. I let her know early on that I would like to network in the community, and she has done a fabulous job of letting me know about things going on in the community - adoption groups, African festivals - she even hooked me up with a couple other families who have adopted from Ethiopia that live in the area. Not every social worker will be willing to do that, but it never hurts to ask!

If you are an adoptive family reading this, I’d love to hear from you! What resources have you found that have been a great help?

Empty Nesters Already

For a while now, my children have been asking to play flashlight tag in the back yard. I have been saying no. Contrary to the popular belief that I just say no for the fun of it, I do indeed have a reason.

Meet “Mrs. Birdie” or “Mrs. Killdeer” as the children refer to her. She rather boldly just planted her nest in the mulch beside one of our baby trees. She had four beautiful, beautiful eggs.

She had been sitting on them rain and shine and rain and more rain. Over the past couple weeks, I have often looked out at her and thought, “Oh, I guess my day isn’t so bad after all.” At least I’m not sitting out in the rain.

Though I don’t think her life is all bad; she has a good man. He comes and sits on the nest fairly often, letting her get out for a bit. He also flies around protecting her a lot too. Chivalry is not dead in our kingdom!

Then Monday I noticed that there were two little miniature Mrs. Birdies out there. Meet One and Two.

Can you see them, just to the right of mama who is just about to sit back down on those two beautiful eggs?

That wasn’t the best picture, so here are a couple others:

This is little bird exploring thought staying very close to mama.

And very often throughout the day, One and Two would retreat back to the nest and hide under mama for a while. I just love this picture of this little one peeking out!

Then Tuesday morning there were three! One and Two ventured further and further from mama, often getting lost in the massive tufts of clover that we call a lawn. Three spent the day right by mama’s side. Can you find them all here?

But Tuesday wasn’t such a good weather day. Mama and her babies endured hail (twice) and lots of big, giant, windy storms. I was so impressed how mama tucked her wee ones under her.

This is actually the back of mama; she has her wings all fluffed up and her three babies and an egg underneath.

Once the storms were over, all those long skinny legs tumbled back out of the nest to hunt for more food.

This was the pattern for the whole morning. In the afternoon, mama had different plans. Daddy showed up to sit on the nest for a while, and mama took her big three on a field trip. They went to the weed and puddle-filled empty lot next door and ran around looking for good stuff to eat. We watched from the giant window on our landing; it seemed that the field trip was a success!

When Bubba left for piano lessons at 3:30, Mr. Birdie was on the remaining egg in the nest. When Bubba got back from piano lessons around 5, Daddy was not on the nest; but in the nest layed a fresh new baby.

By morning Four looked just like the others, and first thing Wednesday morning, all four babies were in the lot next door. One little birdie stuck very close to mama, and the proud Daddy was around the whole day too. More than once yesterday my wee ones were content to sit by the big window to search the puddles for the tiny moving balls of fluff; when we would spot one, everyone would start counting until we had found all four.

Last night was the first night that the nest has been empty for a long, long time. I think I am going to miss our old neighbors!

Works For Me - Old Shirts New

I’m sure that none of you have this problem, but I thought I would post this here simply to remind myself of this nifty little trick.

My daughter is amazing when it comes to stains; she has this ability to leave dribbles on everything she wears. I can’t (nor do I want to) begin to tell you how many new shirts she has ruined. So just recently I decided to make lemonade with these lemons. Here is my first fix:

This was a cute shirt, except after a wearing or two, there were three chocolate milk dribbles on the front. The butterflies were from another shirt that was outgrown long ago and stained so badly that I couldn’t even give it away. Using a pair of pointed children’s scissors, I just snipped those little butterflies off and sewed them on top of the chocolate milk stains, and no one (except you, of course) has to know!

Since doing this, I have found lots of other embellishments that I can use for similar purposes. I won’t do this to every stain, and I don’t have a ton of time to spend hiding stains; but it was totally worth it to rescue this relatively new shirt!

For lots of other great tips, please visit Works For Me Wednesday at Rocks In My Dryer!

Is This Really My Life?

So Little Man has been attending a Mother’s Day Out program at a local church this school year.  It has been a great time for all!  His class was almost all boys, and his teacher did all sorts of cool stuff with the kids.  They painted and drew and glued and cut and ran around like a bunch of lunatics boys are wont to do.  They learned the days of the week and dressed a felt doll in weather-appropriate clothing each day that they were there.  They also had a class pet.

Goldie.

And as the end of the year rolled around, there was much excitement about Goldie!  Mrs. Mothers Day Out Teacher told the children that one of them would get to take Goldie home the last week of school!  Little Man was very excited about this prospect; if he can’t have a dog, a fish would do.

Then a couple weeks ago the sign up was out.  Every parent who was okay with Goldie coming to live with them had to sign her child’s name.  Little Man was very excited about the sign up.  Even though I had told him that I would “have to think about whether or not we can keep a pet fish,” his spirits were not daunted!

I signed my son’s name on the list, all the while thinking, “Oh, seriously out of two classes, he can’t possibly win!  Oh, please, Lord, don’t let him win.  I’m really not sure I can keep one more thing alive!  Ack!  Ok, I’ve written his first name, and he’s standing right here watching me - just go on ahead, it’s just a fish, finish the name…he’s not going to win!”

And today, Little Man is sick, so he had to miss school.  (We’re desperately hoping he’s well enough to go on Thursday!)  Mrs. Mother’s Day Out Teacher just called.

My son is the luckiest kid ever.  He.won.the.fish.

How do these things happen to me!?!

I really hope I don’t kill it!

To Ethiopia And Back, Epilogue

I have hesitant to share this post, so it is a bit late. Yet I feel it is good for me to write these things. I desire to be true to the story and to you, to share the whole of it. I also feel it will be good for our children to hear these things; it is part of their story. And for those of you who are preparing to bring home children, your story will be different, yet you will have challenges. Hopefully, this part of the story will help you prepare for your challenges and remind you to set your mind not on the hope that we gain by bringing home more children but the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

After we were greeted by our family and after we introduced the children to everyone, the big group of us wandered off to the luggage carousels where we were crazy-thankful to get all of our luggage! That meant that not only did we get all of our clothes back, but we also had coffee to share with friends and family, souvenirs to decorate our house (so the kids will at least have something familiar to look at here and there), and Christmas gifts!

As we headed out to the cars, it dawned on me for the first time that we would have to get in our van, the six of us, alone. No one was riding home with us, so it was just us - for the first time ever. It was exilarating and terrifying all at once. I was also exhausted which is probably why I was having to work really hard to hold back tears at the thought of caring for all of these children at once!

It took a bit of adjusting to get all of the car seats in the correct places, but once we did we drove out of the parking garage and started our long drive home. We normally don’t think of the drive from the airport as “long,” but after so many hours on planes that drive was indeed looooooooooooooooong.

As we sped along the highway, there was one point when I looked back and was shocked at the view. Y and Dimples were positioned in their five-point harness car seats for the first time. (Y uses a booster now, but we put her in the five-point harness because it is more comfortable for sleeping and not nearly as escapable as a booster. We were afraid that she wouldn’t understand the concept of having to STAY buckled in.) Their eyes were huge! In Addis the children just rode wherever; there is no such thing as car seat safety. Being strapped in and unable to move around was new…and threatening. At least for the last year of their lives, they had also probably not ridden in a car for a long period of time or at such a speed as we were cruising; every bit of that was written on their face and in their stiff body posture. I could barely reach them, so I couldn’t effectively comfort them. It was absolutely heart breaking, and worse, I began to sense that this was the end of our honeymoon. I began to have a sense that this thing we were doing was only going to get harder.

To make matters worse, when I couldn’t look at Y and Dimples anymore, because my heart hurt to see them scared, I looked back and Bubba and Little Man. Previously their seats had been in the middle row, but that night they were all the way in the back of the van. We had been so far away in Addis; now I had them back with me, yet they seemed so far away…and my mommy’s heart just broke into a million tired pieces.

Unbelievably we made it home. Handsome’s parents were staying with us, so they helped us drag all of the luggage in, unload the most important stuff, and unload our brains a bit. It was good to tell someone a bit about our trip, and they were polite to listen to all of our tales - they even did a great job of seeming interested, though we must have been fairly incoherent by that point in time.

When bedtime came, we got everyone changed and dressed, and miracle of miracles, they slept! All four children went to sleep at just the right time. We followed not too long after. Sleeping in my own bed was pure bliss!

Over the next days and weeks, we began to re-learn how to be a family and adjust to our new normal. We have never for a moment wondered if we did the wrong thing, yet I can only attribute that to God’s steady, guiding hand. There have been many, many times that Handsome and I have shaken our heads in wonder as we just couldn’t figure out what to do next. I have held my children through tantrums and screaming fits, a desperate attempt to express what they couldn’t tell me in words. I have watched as Y’s eyes filled with tears, because she wanted so badly to tell me something but didn’t know the words. I have cried as I so badly wanted to tell her something, but I just didn’t know the words. I have watched Dimples struggle with being two, which I had previously decided was terribly hard, and unfamiliarity all at once - it seems a burden that is too heavy for such a small child. I have watched somewhat helplessly as these children work to find their way in the world; while I can ease much for them, I cannot take away the wounds that they have incurred in their past or take away the sense of newness of this place.

They are making huge strides, as you all know from reading here, and we are so proud of them. The new normal seems more and more normal every day, yet I am still very aware that this new normal is hard fought and not easily won.

I Simply Must Know (or This Is a Desperate Cry For Help From Fashion-Challenged Little Old Me!)

Is it tacky to wear a black dress to a wedding? How ’bout if the bridesmaids are wearing black?

I have been dress hunting for a wedding that we will be attending in June, and oh, it has been dreadful! Everything is either too short, too low cut, or too expensive. The first dress I found that I loved (loved!) was this beautiful thing (let me just note that on me, it did not look nearly as low cut), and as I tried it on I tried to figure out how I was going to tell Handsome exactly how much I paid for it. Never got it figured out…and it wasn’t a perfect fit.

Then on Friday night I went hunting - not shopping - hunting! I found a cute dress that is fun…but it is black. So I must know! Please help!

Happy Mother’s Day

Got to sleep in a bit this morning.

Opened presents at breakfast - lots of beautifully colored pictures and a bucket of flowers and a cute little book where my daughter lovingly drew me as a hunchback in a pink dress.

But the best gift of the day:

This is what my children were doing while I was getting ready for church - reading - together!

That makes for a happy mama anyday!

Hope your Mother’s Day was fantastic too!

Oh, I thought of another one!

Another 6 word way to describe me:

Tone deaf sings loudly in car

(Pity my children!)

6 Words

Oh, man - this one’s hard. I kind of wish she had tagged me for the one word meme that she did a while ago! Either way, my super-mom cousin, MamaRazzi, has tagged me; I am supposed to describe myself in six words. Not sure it’s possible; I’m way too wordy for this…hmmmm!

Creativewannabe lovesGod and herhusband and fourkids

There - six words…oh, those don’t count?!?

How about:

Tall girl needs dress - sister-in-law’s wedding

Oh, I guess it doesn’t say describe my current preoccupation, so back to who I really am, hmmm:

All I am I owe Him.

(Except I should clarify, perhaps it should say all the good, that’s because of Jesus. All the dirty, rotten, messy rest - that’s me. But that’s more than six words, isn’t it?)

Anna, how ’bout you - wanna play along? And you, Missy? Anyone else game? Leave a comment letting me (and my zillions of readers) that you have joined in the torture fun.

Works For Me Wednesday - Or Not

So, in sticking with tradition, Shannon is breaking tradition this first week of the month by asking us to share what does not work for us.

If you read yesterday’s post, you might assume that teaching my children English is not so much working for me, but I think I’ll keep at that one a while longer. Thankyouverymuch.

But I do have this little matter of cleaning - the bathroom, in particular. It’s not that I don’t like cleaning the bathroom. I don’t mind it all that much, actually; cleaning the bathroom is a bucket-load of immediate gratification - all clean and shiny, and my time seems worth it! And I love to have a clean bathroom. I can live with a bit of clutter, but I really like a shiny shower.

The trouble is that I just can’t find the time to get to the scrubbing lately. I don’t want the kids around all those cleaners (even though many of them I use are, uh, “natural”), so I don’t want them in the room with me. Also it’s kind of hard to get anything clean with four children under foot! I also never ever want to do it during nap time; there are too many other things to do - blog, other chores, bills, blog. In addition to that, I try to be available during nap time; if Dimple cries, I want to get to him as fast as I can - I can’t do that, if I’m locked in the bathroom. So naptime is out. And I certainly don’t want to do it at night during the few, precious hours that Handsome is home. (Though that is what I have been doing lately - ug!)

So I want to know, when on earth do you clever moms clean your bathroom? And please, please don’t tell me you have a maid. I’ve seriously thought about saving all of my money to pay someone, but I’m pretty sure I still couldn’t afford that.

Head on back to Shannon’s Rock In My Dryer for more great un-tips!